Failure

People can view failure from so many angles.

If you're looking at someone else's failure it's easy to tell them it will be ok. "Get back up and try again." you might say.

But when we're dealing with our own failure it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to look beyond our circumstances and see how we could ever be more than just what we've failed at. We replay it over and over. And the more it goes through our mind the more of a failure we really feel. We start focusing on all the wrong we've done and can't see any of the good qualities we possess.

I've been there too many times to count. It doesn't take much to get in that pit. I'm sure you might know this but the evil one wants us there. He laughs when we can't see past our circumstances. He gloats in our sorrow and pain.

I've had many failures. Forever I failed at being a good mom. (And some days still do) I was frustrated and agitated when I was inconvenienced or things just weren't going as I planned or when I had to repeat myself. I had serious issues with the lack of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control.

I struggled. I would fall on my face and beg God to change me. I knew for sure I was ruining Jada. I could see my negative traits rubbing off on her. I was devastated. I did not want her to struggle with the same things I did.

I talked to my mom. We prayed about it. We cried about it. I didn't understand why I was dealing with these issues. I was a Christian for goodness sake. Why couldn't I lay this at the feet of Jesus?

And my mom asked me one day if I was spending time in Gods word..... I made excuses. I had young kids. I was tired, I didn't have time...yada, yada, yada. The excuses went on.

I'm not sure what happened but one morning I started spending time reading and praying. I was crying out to God and begging Him to change me and that none of my negative traits would take root in my girls lives.  I started making a habit of spending time with God....daily.

I started asking God to help me portray the fruits of the Spirit in my life. My girls learned them. We would go over them together. I would admit to my girls when I failed them and asked them to forgive me when I wasn't who I should be.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control.

I slowly started to stay calm in situations where in the past I would have had outbursts of anger. I started  thinking before I corrected. I started to look at my motives in discipline. God was changing me!

This month was a year since we started homeschooling. I see the benefits of this God lead decision for my girls but I always thought maybe God was teaching me something too. I had no idea how He saw fit for me, of all people, to homeschool these girls. But we started anyway because we trusted His calling for our family.

We struggled. I struggled. Jada struggled. Oh goodness I'm sure Greg struggled cause I had to call him crying so much. We had to make changes that Jada didn't understand. We took away certain TV shows because she was mimicking inappropriate behavior. She was so angry with us.

This past year has been a doozy for sure! But, today, I was paying attention to Jada and the way she behaved. The way she treated her sister. The way she helped me in the grocery store and the way she acted out in public. The way she helped put away groceries and cleaned up the kitchen after dinner because I wasn't feeling well. I could see the changes that I cried out to Jesus for.

How did these changes come? The change was in me. God changed the way I spoke to her.... the way I loved her....the way I showed her I loved her. I started encouraging her and speaking words of love and kindness. When I corrected I explained why I was correcting and didn't do it out of anger or frustration.

God is so good and faithful.

If I wouldn't have failed so much at being a good mom I wouldn't have needed to lean on God so much during that time. And I'm still learning. I haven't conquered this struggle. I may never fully be "over" this battle but God isn't finished with me yet!!  Life is hard and it's in those hard times that God has an opportunity to get our attention.

Will you allow Him to get your attention?

This post is pretty difficult for me to write. Failures are hard to admit or discuss but everyone has them. I'm ok with admitting my failures and weaknesses. If it can help one person realize they aren't alone then I'm fine with that. Satin always wants us to feel we are alone and we struggle with things no one else does but just remember.... you are not alone. Everyone, EVERYONE has struggles. Even that person with the most perfect life.... they still struggle.

God is faithful and He will deliver you from whatever you face!! So thankful for His amazing power in my life and I pray you will experience that same power in your life too!!