Wounded Heart

Life has a way of changing when we least expect it and sometimes even when we expect it we are crushed and confused. I get caught up in my expectations and think I know best and sometimes think God should go along with my plan. So, when His plan changes my circumstances I'm left empty.

But, not for long.

I love how Christ steps in and brings comfort and peace in all circumstances if we're seeking Him. So, today and everyday, this is my prayer.

Oh God, lead me. Even on those days I'm numb, sidetracked and unintentional. Please have mercy on me when I'm more concerned with loads of laundry than little hearts. Please lead me into the light when doubt and darkness try to consume me. Dear God, steady my steps when I cannot see and carry me when my strength is no more. Speak truth into my soul and deepen my faith even when understanding is far from me. Allow Your Spirit to create a passion.....a blazing fire within me that will never die. Shepherd me though the pain of broken dreams and remind Your plan is good and firm and unshakeable. Your ways are higher, I know this, even when my heart is wounded. God use me, however you will, no matter the path...... I am Yours.

My heart is hurt. My dreams seem broken. Warm tears stain my face. But, my faith and trust is in the healer and I know He works in the brokenness and mess of our lives. He creates beauty in the ashes.

He is faithful so why should I fear? I'm so thankful His plan is better and this pain is temporary and He is consistently aligning the desires of my heart with His plan.

So today I will hold tight to Psalms 33:4-5 "For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything he does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth."

Oh What a Battlefield

I've sat down at my computer several times today to type out my heart but deleted and walked away...... it's so easy to delete and think what I want to say is insane....radical and completely "out there" but I keep coming back. So, here I sit, again, trying hard to put the right words that reflect this moment in my life.....

This last month has almost taken me down for the count. I have been on a battle field that I have never been on before. It made me question my sanity...made me lose my focus and clouded my purpose in life. Barely crawling to a safe place I felt wounded and close to defeat. Giving up was within arms reach. But, as I fell to my knees truth settled in my heart. A new strength took over my battered mind and a sound perspective filled my once confused view.

And once again I realize what the meaning of 2 Corinthians 12:10 really means.... when I'm done, when I am nothing, when I cannot go another.single.minute, when I have nothing left in me.... that is when Christ is strengthening me the most.

Doing the work of the Lord IS a battlefield. Spending my days.....day in and day out with these 4 wild, dramatic girls is more than I can handle some days. But, God has me right here in the middle of the craziness for a greater purpose. One that I cannot give up on because of my selfishness, my insecurities or because I am not strong enough....

Every week as I pull out of my church parking lot I read a sign, "You are now entering a mission field." As I return to my home....my mission field, I realize the battle is more real than people realize. More real than I have ever known. The enemy is here....trying to tear me down. He doesn't want me to succeed. He doesn't want my family to succeed. He doesn't my girls to succeed and he doesn't want my foster girls to succeed.

And that makes me furious.

It makes me fight harder. Stand more firm. Pray more fervently and to return to this battle more passionate than ever.

And the joy of the Lord has returned to my soul...

Ephesians 6:10-17
 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Stand firm friends!! Jesus is our Victor!!

Press On

I sit here almost not sure of what to write but having a struggling heart.... I'm in that place where my focus is constantly in battle with what will fade away and what will be for the rest of eternity. My eyes continue to stray from my King to things that are easy and comfortable and selfish.

Following Him is not easy or comfortable.....

It's so much more appealing, from an earthy view point, to seek out a cozy, complacent road to walk. To take on a lighter load. One with the least resistance.

But God calls us to more. He calls us out of our convenient space to one that is unsettling and uncertain. He doesn't guarantee safety or smooth sailing but He does promise His strength to endure it.

Some days I wonder exactly what His strength looks like..... I want it to be that we skip in fields of lily's, holding hands and giggling delightfully. In reality, I think his strength abounds when I bite my tongue and keep from lashing out with words that wound or when I breath deep and have the energy to keep going after juice spills or a child doesn't make it to the potty. His strength is getting through the day and knowing that His love for me is greater than the mistakes I made that day. Choosing to hold my head high rather than wallowing in shame and knowing tomorrow is a new day.

This morning, while sitting in my lamp lit room, drinking my coffee and soaking in the quiet of a new day, it was so easy to forget the battles of yesterday. But once the sun came up and little feet hit the floor and the needs of others began to drown out my sanity, it was apparent my mind and heart were still being pulled like a tug-o-war.

So I breath deep. I cling to Truth. And I tell Him I need Him....everyday, every hour, every minute of my life.  And I'm encouraged to keep going. To pick up my cross and take the rocky road because I know that's where His provision will abound!!

"Press on sister!" a dear friend said to me so I choose to press on!!

He's Planning My Step

Last night I was awaken many times by one of our little girls crying out. Every time I rolled over or got back in bed the thoughts of those enduring great turmoil and tragedy in Iraq raced in my mind.

I woke up with a heavy heart.

Sometimes things just don't make sense....and people shake their fist at God and wonder where He is. I've been there...wondering how things could go so wrong. I'm not promising I won't be there again. But, today, I just look at a broken world in desperate need of a God who loves us so much that He sacrificed everything to show us just how much He wanted a relationship with us....and we run. We turn our back and get bent out of shape when our prayers and desires aren't answered just like we want.

People. When will we seek Him? When will we realize in His infinite wisdom He actually knows best? That pain and tragedy show us just how much we need Him and just how much we can trust Him to get us through the unthinkable?

Today while reading "Corrie ten Boom" to my girls I was overcome with just how much He loved and protected Corrie. I'm not finished reading it but I know He cared for her every need.

And just before we started to read, Jada was talking to me in the kitchen and her beautiful heart trickled into her words. This is how it went: "Sometimes I feel like God's calling me to a place where sharing Jesus isn't allowed. Sometimes I feel scared....like 20% scared and 80% not. I mean, if something happens then I know I'll still be ok."

Oh.my.word.

My heart burst with joy without her even knowing. And in that moment God spoke to me....This is why I was called to give up my job to stay home. This is why we homeschool. This is why we foster. This is why I talk about the amazing power of Jesus whenever I have the chance. Because He is calling me to something greater than teaching the 1,2,3's and A, B, C's.

He's calling me to nurture hearts that will take His command seriously to "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit" Matthew 28:19. He's calling me to show love and kindness when it's not the easy way. He's calling me to live a life that isn't about me and what I want but a life that will reflect Him in all I do for His Kingdom. For His glory. For my girls to know Him deeper and greater. For my girls to be grounded in Him when persecution comes....cause let's face it, it's going to come.

And many days I feel random and and I feel crazy with 4 girls who talk....and eat, A LOT, who wrestle for my time when my time's spread thin. And on those days where I'm at the end of my rope I need these truths to penetrate deep in my soul...when I want to think about myself instead of others I need to be reminded why God has planned my steps. Psalm 37:23-24 says, "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand."  He plans my steps for any reason He sees fit. He plans my steps to share His love. He plans my steps to create in me a heart that reflects Him more than it does myself.

I'm so thankful He's planning my steps in a this broken world.

Warriors For The Kingdom

It's no secret we are now officially foster parents!! Boy did my heart jump with the most amazing joy when our social worker called to tell me we had been approved!

I guess I should change my blog name to something else now cause I'm no longer just chasing girls but boys too....sweet as pie little boys!!

I know we have our work cut out for us. I had a friend....several friends, ok a lot of friends ask how we can do this without getting attached and without falling in love. Truth is, we WILL most definitely fall in love. But, it's not about us....if we didn't respond to God's calling because we were concerned how we feel then we are totally missing the point. We would be making it about us rather than for the Glory of God and His love for these kids. He wants them to know Him...to really know Him. To know that in the darkest times of their lives He's there... in the most uncertain and confusing times, He's there. He wants them to know that when things don't make sense or when things aren't fair...He.is.there!! They have to know He loves them so much that He gave His beautiful one and only Son to die for them!!

I want them to know that too. I want them to know that this life is worth the battle when we have Jesus on our side. It's worth jumping into messy situations and allowing the beautiful healing power of the Almighty God to heal the deepest wounds and create a beautiful story. I want them to know they can pull from the strength of our Savior to conquer their daily struggles and the past that tries to haunt them. I want them to know a Love full of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I want them to stand on the mountain and fight the battle that God calls them to fight.

I want to whisper in their ears at night that they are loved and they are special and they are beautiful. I want to raise these kids up to to stand firm on God's Word and to be mighty in battle. I want their strength to come from the King of Kings!!

I want, even if it's for a short time, to raise warriors for the Kingdom.

So, our feelings and our hearts? They will mend. If we are broken for the Kingdom then the rewards to come are greater than guarding hearts in the here and now.

1 John 2:17 "And the world is passing away along with it's desires, but whoever does the will of God will abide forever."

John 13:34-35 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

~How appropriate that the verses above were in our sermon notes today.

He is enough

Some days....too many days, I focus on things that don't really matter. Things that get me worked up and spinning my wheels....just wasting my time. I'm distracted with shoes in the floor, wet towels not hung up, toys under my feet and school books stacked high on the table.

Some days I'm distracted in the kitchen with cleaning  counters and sticky floors. And while all those things need to be done, I waste too much energy and allow it to take my mind from real life issues....like kids who are neglected and abused. Problems like drinking and drugs tearing families apart, sickness, brokenness and a world dying without Jesus.

And my heart aches and I feel heavy and burdened for so many.

But, I'm reminded Jesus is enough. He fills those broken spaces and heals those lonely and battered hearts. He picks up the pieces and while the scars are still evident it just reminds us that our Savior is more powerful than our struggle and He.is.faithful.

And on days when I look out across the city and I'm overcome with grief my little girl writes me a love letter. And I think about the love of our Savior and I'm certain Love conquered all because He went to that cross. He took my place, your place, the drug addict's place, the murderer's place, the prostitute's place, the gossiper's place, the lier's place....everyone's place.

I smile and my heart is flooded with peace. I know that no matter the world's wounds or my wounds we have a God who is above it all. And He.is.enough!

Where Does Our Value Come From?

Dear young, beautiful girl,

Yes you....the one who doesn't realize how amazing, valuable and irreplaceable she is. The one who hides behind a smile but is really falling apart....the one trying to find herself by fitting in or giving herself away. The one searching and longing for someone who loves you and tells you you are beautiful!

I wish you could see yourself like God sees you! I wish you could see your value comes from The One who hung on that tree. You are so loved that He gave His life for you!!!

I hope you see it soon and save yourself years of heartache searching in the wrong places and picking up the pieces of broken dreams. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and your creator wants you to know Him!!! How amazing is that?

It's pretty amazing! I wish I would have realized it at your age. But now I know every bit of who I am is based upon who I am in Him and I pray you soon realize the same!

Love,
Redeemed daughter of The King

I posted that letter yesterday out of a hurting heart for a friend's daughter. She's going through a hard time. I don't know all the details but I don't need to know. I've lived the same story.... young insecure girl who's searching for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. 

Most of us van relate.

But, the truth is, even now, when I make my life all about me I can instantly become that insecure, lost, little girl again....I may not be searching for it in men, drugs and alcohol but if not grounded in the the Word of God you can find me searching in approval from others....food, clothes, hair, education.... the list goes on and on. 

But on those days I'm seeking my Savior more than my own desires...more than my own dreams...more than my own comfort or glory, I find myself to be the most secure. It's only at the feet of Jesus that we find who we really are and what life is all about. It's in those precious moments that God speaks His truth and life into us and gives us the wisdom to see we are nothing without Him that I get a glimpse of who I was created to be. I find that no matter if I'm on the mountain or deep in the valley, if I'm seeking Him, He is all I need.

This world tells us we can find our value in our jobs, education, sex, deeds, friends, food, clothes, cars, houses....but our true value ONLY comes from how valuable we are in the eyes of Christ. And for Him to go to the cross in our place should show us just how loved we truly are.

It doesn't matter the choices we've made. He loves us right where we are...right in the middle of our broken places, our darkest hour, our sinful mess. He extends grace and compassion.

I love this verse from How He Loves Us, by David Crowder Band

"And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"

You can listen to the whole song Here

So where are you? Are you searching for things other than God? Are you putting time and effort into things that have no weight in Heaven? Or are you allowing God to pour into you the things He has planned for you? I'm thankful that no matter the day or what my heart is chasing, He always brings me back to His feet. 

I pray He does the same for you!