Not long ago my amazing SIL was singing Oceans in church. I remember exactly the first time I heard that song. My heart cried out those words with all its might. I desperately wanted to walk upon the waters. I wanted more than anything to trust God to take me down a path no matter how frightful or narrow.
He heard me and He took me up on it. We began fostering around that time and our path was definitely out of the ordinary. There is no doubt it has been unsteady at times. God has grown my knowledge of Him and His provision for my life over the last 3 years and I've experienced Him in ways I never knew existed. My need for Him is greater than I ever knew and His precious grace has been more present than I thought possible.
But, as I stood in church listening to those words again I thought, "God, I don't really want to walk upon the waters right now." Deep down I didn't mean that. But, some days I'm tired. Some days I feel like these waters aren't exactly what I had in mind. Some days I just want life to be easy and I want to close out the world and live in a happy ignorant bubble. Some days I really want to pretend there aren't orphans needing a home or a meal needs to be sent to someone because of a recent death or the possibility of my husband not coming home to us. I want to close my eyes to sickness, starving people and financial difficulty. Some days it's almost too much to bare.
But, this world is full of pain and loss and full of disasters.
I genuinely don't want the easy or comfortable life....the complacent life. There are moments I think I do but honestly, I know that life isn't where God called me to be. God called me out of the darkness and into His glorious light. He called me to a path of trust IN HIM and even trusting Him with my next step even if I cannot see and no matter the cost.
God is more concerned with our heart, with our salvation and our righteousness than He is our comfort. Every deep aching moment I have encountered has produced growth in me. It produced more love for the One who died for me. More dependence on the One who has infinite wisdom and the One who wants more for me than I want for myself.
This world is passing away and we're all seeking the comforts of this world. We chase things that will never amount to anything. We are led away with the deception that this world can provide something only our Savior can and we're left empty; only to start chasing something else that still never satisfies our longings.
I'm so grateful God still pursues me and still draws me out even on those days I want to stay in my boat. I'm thankful He heard my heart years ago when I cried out, "I want to walk upon the waters."
He heard me and He continues to lead me out no matter the storm. And it is there I am safe.
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