Little did we know God had other plans....very different than our own.
I woke up with back pain around 2:00am. We were staying with my parents so I went to wake my mom. A girl always needs her mother. In my ignorance I waited around for a couple hours.....I woke Greg up and we soon realized I was having contractions 2 minutes apart.... We rushed to the hospital. I even laughed in the car and couldn't believe I was getting ready to have our baby. I knew I was early but premature babies survive all the time......right?
Within no time I had delivered a beautiful 1 lb 13 oz, 13 1/2 inch long, tiny boy.....he barely cried and stopped. "Why isn't he crying I kept thinking."
The next few days seem like a blur..... but we soon realized Jalen Daniel was not meant to stay with us. Just 4 days into his beautiful life he went to be with Jesus......for Jesus' face to be the first face he saw literally gives me cold chills and makes me smile!
But, if that wasn't enough, The seller of the home we were planning to buy backed out on us. We ended up living with my parents for 10 months instead of 6 weeks.
So, what have I learned in the past 7 years? A lot actually but here's some things that are worth more than gold in my book of learning.
~Pain and tragedy allow faith and trust in God to be taken to a supernatural depth.I can't begin to explain the roller coaster of emotions I had in the months that followed our loss but the hand that carried me was, no doubt, the hand that is stronger and more tender than any pain I endured. That same hand held my baby in the womb and welcomed him through the gates when he left us. That same hand held me on nights I fell asleep crying and when I didn't understand all the "why's". When I was in the pit that felt like darkness swallowing me up and I thought life would never be right again, God showed me that as time went on....and it does, that life is worth living even when things turn out different than we think they should. And that same hand guided me on those days I didn't want to lift my head.
~Psalm 36:5 "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
God's story isn't about me.....if He chooses to use a tragedy in my life to accomplish something greater for His Kingdom then I trust Him. I trust He loves me enough not to hurt me with things that don't matter. I trust Him to give me what I need to take me to new places of understanding of WHO He is and HOW He is. I trust Him to provide all of my needs and that includes healing when things fall apart.
~This life is short and while we're here we have to enjoy the here and now.
Life is full of tragedy, pain and dark days. But, life is also full of love, sunshine, smiles and friendship. We have to focus on the things we have now...today and not what was yesterday or things that could of or should of been. Yes, I should have had a beautiful baby boy to take home to be loved by his sister and rocked at night and to play peek-a-boo or patty cake.....but we didn't. I went home empty handed and broken hearted. But, my heart has healed.... I still had a family and a little girl who needed me and a God who is bigger than my loss. And now, I have another beautiful little girl who is a fire cracker and is full of laughter and love. She is a reminder that God blesses and heals and provides exactly what we need when we need it.
~In all things I will give thanks
Job 1:21 "And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
God is good in all situations. He is worthy of praise when we have it all together and when things are falling apart. He.is.good....period!! I never knew that till tragedy struck my heart. Now, I know, strength will be provided as I need it. I don't have to sit and wonder if I'm strong enough because God is strong enough and that's all I need to know!!
If your heart is weak, sad or broken, just know, God is enough and He will always be enough!
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